Letter to a Kid I Knew

Dearest 16 Year Old,

I know you are doing good. Friends, Family, Grades & Girlfriend, I know everything is going great. I dearly hope it continues the same way but it will not.

Let me tell you about myself as you're slowly transitioning to what I am today. We are not different. We are the same person with a barrier of Calendar dates with a deep trench of difference in the thought process. You are happy with no fear of the outcomes of your daily actions. You are not accountable for your mistakes or choices. It is going to change soon,

Times will change. Every move you make will be watched by your future. You will be suffocated by the thoughts of today & what it’d be like tomorrow.

You might not like the people you are surrounded by today but they will not scar you or make you envious about things that you can't achieve. I want you to know that as you will grow up, the surrounding is going to turn into a pack of wolves with little compassion & love. There will be few by your side, fighting their own battles and listening to you. Sometimes trying to guide you into a war they never fought, for they think it’s worth fighting.

I know you’re waiting for adulthood with arms wide open and dreams in your eyes. I do not want you to be broken when the time comes. I know you are full of ego which you disguise as self-respect which is why I need to tell you this. You will have to accept a few attributes of life which you need to let go. There are going to be times you will fail miserably and there are going to be times when your chest will pump with pride. I want you to know neither of them will last.  When the time comes and you feel suffocated and dead, I want you to get up & leave without knowing where you’re heading. I cannot promise you it will be better or I can’t prepare you for the outcomes. I can only tell you that you will feel good as long as you keep going.

And at last, I know you don’t know what will make you happy. I don’t know either, I want you to keep looking for it throughout. You might find it difficult to figure out for very long and if I am addressing this letter to you today, we haven’t found it yet. We’ll team up and look for it together.

You might think why did I choose you over other stages of my 25-year-old life, I think you know.

You are probably the best stage of the first 25 years of this average life. The Happiest, most celebrated, confident & more than all of this, you haven’t learned to fake yet. You will soon turn into an individual hiding behind sheets of paper for people to think you are telling someone else’s story when you will be telling yours.

Stay Strong!

Yours,

25 Year Old 

The Forgotten

Summer of ‘15

No, not as pleasant as the summer of 69. It was when I realized that no matter how close we pretend to be to each other if at all we decide to part, time will make us forget the deepest love we’ve all shared.  I realized that love is nothing but an addiction we get over with time. I’ve had nightmares thinking over how I would survive without that one person I’ve loved all my life. Life goes on. It does no matter how much we think it shouldn’t. I’ve had thoughts as of why nothing drastic is happening in life now’s that she’s gone, I had that for quite a while.

शाम-ए-फ़िराक़ अब न पूछ आई और आ के टल गई 

दिल था कि फिर बहल गया जाँ थी कि फिर सँभल गई”

I met her back in my first year when everyone was envisaged in looking for the hottest or the prettiest one, I, on the other hand, knew that I am not interesting or handsome enough to even try.  I used to be lost in Faraz and Ghalib, with covers that read some creepy titles (to those who don’t follow Hindi /Urdu literature).  She was usually spotted with her group of 4 either standing outside the class, which used to be punishment back then or chortling over stupid reasons. For some reasons I liked her, I liked the way she was so careless, confident and joyous. It never crossed my mind to approach her, for obvious reasons. First, I was too dumb, Second, I knew she isn’t the kind of girl to like a guy like me.

Day 1

It was during the summer break that I got to have the first interaction. I was at the college library which used to be open during summer breaks so that students can come and study there. I, as usual, was reading a book that titled “Tanha Tanha” by Ahmad Faraz, I was so lost in the book that I didn’t notice she walking up to me and trying to read the title and making a face in disgust.

“Do you drive a truck in your free time”? She asked in a sarcastic tone.

I was shocked as her voice broke my concentration.

“What”?  I said, confusingly.

“I was wondering if you drive a truck or something looking at the books you read”. She said in a very loathing voice.

I noticed her friends were laughing at me. I understood it must be her spare time to bully people backed by the whole group. I packed my stuff and left without saying a word.

“अब आ गए हैं आप तो आता नहीं है याद

वर्ना कुछ हम को आप से कहना ज़रूर था”

Day 2

Summer Break was over. We were back on Schedule. I was in my Electronics lab when I heard a familiar voice.

“Hey Driver” It was her.

“Hey I’m sorry for that day, it was a stupid bet to call you that,” She said in a very casual tone as if she
decided herself that she said nothing disrespectful.

“It’s okay”, the obvious reply from a guy whose crush just apologized to him. That! That’s where it all started. That sorry!
That damn SORRY!

I had always noticed her, in the corridor, the canteen, the basketball court, and every other crowded place. It’s when she started to notice me too. She would wave her hands and shout HEY DRIVER no matter what place she spotted me. I used to smile back and stare at her until she disappeared.

Slowly we started to hang out together. Tuitions, coffee and helping each other with homework. She would wait for my class to get over and we used to go to canteen together for lunch.  She used to tell me the gossips floating in the school and I nodded in agreement because I used to have no idea. I started introducing her to Urdu poetry and she would get extremely excited when she could finally
understand any of the Couplets. She would sometimes hug me when I could successfully explain her the toughest lines.

It went on until the third year. We became really close to each other. I wanted to tell her that I loved her but the friendship had gone to an extent that my proposal would mean a disrespect to the bond we shared.
I thought of not labeling the relationship. She got so comfortable with telling me stories of her life. She used to tell me her crushes, her future plans and how she would go to the states for her masters.

“मोहब्बत बुरी है… बुरी है मोहब्बत

कहे जा रहे है…किये जा रहे है…”

It was the final year. I remember that day, every minute and every second of that day. It was when she told me she was going for her VISA appointment at the US Embassy.  I wished her luck with a heavy heart. Even though somewhere in my heart I wanted it all to go away. I wanted her to drop her plans to go abroad and I wanted to postpone everything. But until when? She had to move away from my life, if not today then tomorrow. I knew it was over. I knew I have got only a few days left to cherish the togetherness, I decided I will tell her. I will tell her everything that’s in my heart. Even if that meant to hurt myself with her absence I will do that. I was scared, I was scared like a plane is falling down. There was a void in my heart that needed to be filled

“बहुत पहले से उन क़दमों की आहट जान लेते हैं

तुझे ऐ ज़िंदगी हम दूर से पहचान लेते हैं”

Later that evening, I was getting ready to meet her for coffee as we decided. I was all prepared to tell her how much I’ve loved her since day one. Her phone was switched off since afternoon. I decided to pick her up from home. I rang the doorbell multiple times but no one answered. After endless failed attempts, the servant came out.

“Where is Aprajita?” I asked in an irritated voice.

“Didi to hospital mein hain, unka accident ho gya” He said. I stood there stoned. I could not move. I turned back and dizzily went towards my bike

I rushed towards the hospital. I enquired where she was.

She was in the ICU, counting her last breaths. A speeding car tossed her while she was crossing the road. I could see nothing. I was not able to overhear the conversation happening next to me. I watched her as the electrocardiogram went straight. She died in front of me.

Five years now, Life is going on. I haven’t died and I’m not sad either. I’m just counting days as they pass by.  I don’t remember her all the time and it’s true. My love wasn’t fake and my feelings were not sublime, I’m still going on in the endless sea of humans where I lost my droplet.

"अब तो ख़ुशी का ग़म है न ग़म की ख़ुशी मुझे 

बे-हिस बना चुकी है बहुत ज़िंदगी मुझे "