Letter to a Kid I Knew

Dearest 16 Year Old,

I know you are doing good. Friends, Family, Grades & Girlfriend, I know everything is going great. I dearly hope it continues the same way but it will not.

Let me tell you about myself as you're slowly transitioning to what I am today. We are not different. We are the same person with a barrier of Calendar dates with a deep trench of difference in the thought process. You are happy with no fear of the outcomes of your daily actions. You are not accountable for your mistakes or choices. It is going to change soon,

Times will change. Every move you make will be watched by your future. You will be suffocated by the thoughts of today & what it’d be like tomorrow.

You might not like the people you are surrounded by today but they will not scar you or make you envious about things that you can't achieve. I want you to know that as you will grow up, the surrounding is going to turn into a pack of wolves with little compassion & love. There will be few by your side, fighting their own battles and listening to you. Sometimes trying to guide you into a war they never fought, for they think it’s worth fighting.

I know you’re waiting for adulthood with arms wide open and dreams in your eyes. I do not want you to be broken when the time comes. I know you are full of ego which you disguise as self-respect which is why I need to tell you this. You will have to accept a few attributes of life which you need to let go. There are going to be times you will fail miserably and there are going to be times when your chest will pump with pride. I want you to know neither of them will last.  When the time comes and you feel suffocated and dead, I want you to get up & leave without knowing where you’re heading. I cannot promise you it will be better or I can’t prepare you for the outcomes. I can only tell you that you will feel good as long as you keep going.

And at last, I know you don’t know what will make you happy. I don’t know either, I want you to keep looking for it throughout. You might find it difficult to figure out for very long and if I am addressing this letter to you today, we haven’t found it yet. We’ll team up and look for it together.

You might think why did I choose you over other stages of my 25-year-old life, I think you know.

You are probably the best stage of the first 25 years of this average life. The Happiest, most celebrated, confident & more than all of this, you haven’t learned to fake yet. You will soon turn into an individual hiding behind sheets of paper for people to think you are telling someone else’s story when you will be telling yours.

Stay Strong!

Yours,

25 Year Old 

The Forgotten

Summer of ‘15

No, not as pleasant as the summer of 69. It was when I realized that no matter how close we pretend to be to each other if at all we decide to part, time will make us forget the deepest love we’ve all shared.  I realized that love is nothing but an addiction we get over with time. I’ve had nightmares thinking over how I would survive without that one person I’ve loved all my life. Life goes on. It does no matter how much we think it shouldn’t. I’ve had thoughts as of why nothing drastic is happening in life now’s that she’s gone, I had that for quite a while.

शाम-ए-फ़िराक़ अब न पूछ आई और आ के टल गई 

दिल था कि फिर बहल गया जाँ थी कि फिर सँभल गई”

I met her back in my first year when everyone was envisaged in looking for the hottest or the prettiest one, I, on the other hand, knew that I am not interesting or handsome enough to even try.  I used to be lost in Faraz and Ghalib, with covers that read some creepy titles (to those who don’t follow Hindi /Urdu literature).  She was usually spotted with her group of 4 either standing outside the class, which used to be punishment back then or chortling over stupid reasons. For some reasons I liked her, I liked the way she was so careless, confident and joyous. It never crossed my mind to approach her, for obvious reasons. First, I was too dumb, Second, I knew she isn’t the kind of girl to like a guy like me.

Day 1

It was during the summer break that I got to have the first interaction. I was at the college library which used to be open during summer breaks so that students can come and study there. I, as usual, was reading a book that titled “Tanha Tanha” by Ahmad Faraz, I was so lost in the book that I didn’t notice she walking up to me and trying to read the title and making a face in disgust.

“Do you drive a truck in your free time”? She asked in a sarcastic tone.

I was shocked as her voice broke my concentration.

“What”?  I said, confusingly.

“I was wondering if you drive a truck or something looking at the books you read”. She said in a very loathing voice.

I noticed her friends were laughing at me. I understood it must be her spare time to bully people backed by the whole group. I packed my stuff and left without saying a word.

“अब आ गए हैं आप तो आता नहीं है याद

वर्ना कुछ हम को आप से कहना ज़रूर था”

Day 2

Summer Break was over. We were back on Schedule. I was in my Electronics lab when I heard a familiar voice.

“Hey Driver” It was her.

“Hey I’m sorry for that day, it was a stupid bet to call you that,” She said in a very casual tone as if she
decided herself that she said nothing disrespectful.

“It’s okay”, the obvious reply from a guy whose crush just apologized to him. That! That’s where it all started. That sorry!
That damn SORRY!

I had always noticed her, in the corridor, the canteen, the basketball court, and every other crowded place. It’s when she started to notice me too. She would wave her hands and shout HEY DRIVER no matter what place she spotted me. I used to smile back and stare at her until she disappeared.

Slowly we started to hang out together. Tuitions, coffee and helping each other with homework. She would wait for my class to get over and we used to go to canteen together for lunch.  She used to tell me the gossips floating in the school and I nodded in agreement because I used to have no idea. I started introducing her to Urdu poetry and she would get extremely excited when she could finally
understand any of the Couplets. She would sometimes hug me when I could successfully explain her the toughest lines.

It went on until the third year. We became really close to each other. I wanted to tell her that I loved her but the friendship had gone to an extent that my proposal would mean a disrespect to the bond we shared.
I thought of not labeling the relationship. She got so comfortable with telling me stories of her life. She used to tell me her crushes, her future plans and how she would go to the states for her masters.

“मोहब्बत बुरी है… बुरी है मोहब्बत

कहे जा रहे है…किये जा रहे है…”

It was the final year. I remember that day, every minute and every second of that day. It was when she told me she was going for her VISA appointment at the US Embassy.  I wished her luck with a heavy heart. Even though somewhere in my heart I wanted it all to go away. I wanted her to drop her plans to go abroad and I wanted to postpone everything. But until when? She had to move away from my life, if not today then tomorrow. I knew it was over. I knew I have got only a few days left to cherish the togetherness, I decided I will tell her. I will tell her everything that’s in my heart. Even if that meant to hurt myself with her absence I will do that. I was scared, I was scared like a plane is falling down. There was a void in my heart that needed to be filled

“बहुत पहले से उन क़दमों की आहट जान लेते हैं

तुझे ऐ ज़िंदगी हम दूर से पहचान लेते हैं”

Later that evening, I was getting ready to meet her for coffee as we decided. I was all prepared to tell her how much I’ve loved her since day one. Her phone was switched off since afternoon. I decided to pick her up from home. I rang the doorbell multiple times but no one answered. After endless failed attempts, the servant came out.

“Where is Aprajita?” I asked in an irritated voice.

“Didi to hospital mein hain, unka accident ho gya” He said. I stood there stoned. I could not move. I turned back and dizzily went towards my bike

I rushed towards the hospital. I enquired where she was.

She was in the ICU, counting her last breaths. A speeding car tossed her while she was crossing the road. I could see nothing. I was not able to overhear the conversation happening next to me. I watched her as the electrocardiogram went straight. She died in front of me.

Five years now, Life is going on. I haven’t died and I’m not sad either. I’m just counting days as they pass by.  I don’t remember her all the time and it’s true. My love wasn’t fake and my feelings were not sublime, I’m still going on in the endless sea of humans where I lost my droplet.

"अब तो ख़ुशी का ग़म है न ग़म की ख़ुशी मुझे 

बे-हिस बना चुकी है बहुत ज़िंदगी मुझे "

Cigarette & Coffee

Dark silence, eyes wide open, a glass full of fine single malt in one hand and a cigarette in the other, Tanay was sitting in the old house with nothing but a pale notebook against his chest. The silence was haunting the clamorous heart every second. The room was filled with smoke and regrets. Tanay has been here for the last 4 weeks. Every night, he'd open a new bottle of scotch and a pack of cigarettes only to realize he has to spend the rest of his life with regrets and there's nothing he can do to let go of what happened. Sometimes his heart would start to beat faster and he'd start to panic or he'd just lift up his phone, dial a number which wouldn't answer. He grabbed his car keys as he got up to refill his glass and went straight to the car. He was engrossed in the same thoughts as he drove towards the city. He never used to drive the car without some music on, but things were not the same anymore. He kept on driving as he approached a cafe, the same cafe where it all began. It all boiled down to the person he met at the cafe he will never forget in his life. 

It was Shreya, Shreya Chauhan!

17 Nov'16

‘’Smoking’s bad, It’ll Kill you”, Tanay heard a lady as he lit his Marlboro Red.

“I know”, he replied and ignored to enjoy his moment of peace outside the tall building of the MNC he worked for.

“Then why don’t you quit smoking? The time is now “She continued even after his disinterest in the conversation” I work for a firm that encourages people quit smoking & that’s why I’m here”

“Listen, Lady!”

“Sorry I forgot to introduce myself, I’m Shreya from Quit Now.” She continued with more confidence “Our firm has developed a new therapy which helps people quit smoking & its effective.”

It was his eleventh hour at office and he had to stay a couple more. Tanay was impatient by now. He had to submit the onboarding documents from a very big client in the next half an hour.

“Hey! I totally get that you’ve to get new clienteles but you’re wasting your time here. I’ve no interest in quitting and I surely don’t have a penny waste enough to attend your urban therapy” Tanay told her, point blank "and thanks for ruining my smoke time” ,Tanay mumbled and left.

He went straight up. It was midnight by the time he finished his work.

Leaving for home as he drove past the office building in his shining posh Mercedes, he saw Shreya sitting on a bench with a bundle of pamphlets in her hands. Tanay stopped the car. He sat and stared her as she gave them to every passerby. She looked radiant but dull, like the moon on a cloudy night with moonshine coming in & fading away.

He walked to the bench.

It was almost midnight. A girl sitting on a bench under a lamp post looked like a scene from movies.

“Can I have one?” Tanay said in an apologetic tone.

“I thought you didn’t have money for urban therapies.” Shreya mumbled as she handed over the pamphlet.

“Well, Let’s just say today’s your lucky day” Tanay tried to lighten up the heat.

“Yeah well, you begin saving the world by saving one man at a time; all else is grandiose romanticism or politics.’ She said as she looked Tanay right into the eyes.

“Bukowski! Do they train to quote Bukowski for selling products?”

“Call on the numbers given if interested, I don’t think you will but it’s my responsibility to tell.” She said as she packed her bag and walked away.

Tanay was dismayed with the reaction. A salesperson wants nothing but sales. Why would she react this way? He thought the reason might be what happened in the afternoon.

Day 2

 It was 7 in the evening, Tanay was just taking off from the office when he got a text from Karan, his college friend who used to live in solitude but has been finding his best friend in Tanay since college days. 

"I'll be at Gaur's Coffee House at 7:30, see you there", the text read.

"Asshole", Tanay murmured as he turned his car towards Gaur's. 

Tanay parked his car and was walking to Gaur's when he noticed someone walking with loud foot noise behind him. He looked behind and there she was, Shreya, walking with a clear glimpse of panic on her face.

Tanay stopped as she walked past him without noticing his existence. Tanay kept on looking until she was out of sight as she took the elevator to the ground floor. He took out his phone to check if Karan reached only to find out 4 missed calls. It was Karan who kept on calling and at last drop a text that he couldn’t make it tonight.

Tanay reached the café and ordered the usual. He spotted Shreya on the corner bench sipping her coffee and staring into nothing.

Tanay walked towards Shreya. 

“I think we should peace out”,Tanay chuckled as Shreya looked at him with a blank expression, “May I if you don’t mind?” He pulled the chair and sat right next to her.

“I used to work for ‘Modern Day Bukowski’ as an editor, they don’t train a salesperson to quote Bukowski” Shreya said as she stirred her coffee and slowly looked above.

“Then why Quit Now? You’d have obviously got better offers, surely better than a sales job.” Tanay asked curiously.

"Life’s short and it sucks. There’s nothing you can do about it”, Shreya sighed.

“This might sound awkward and creepy but will you go out on a date with me?” Tanay wanted to ask Shreya.

“You don’t know me. A day ago I was selling a service to you and now you want to go out with me?”  He thought Shreya would say.

“I’m sorry! But I got to leave.” Shreya humbly told Tanay as she got up and started packing her wallet,” & the less you know the better” and she left leaving Tanay in confusion.

Tanay could spot Shreya daily in the area near his office where they first met. He could see her distributing the pamphlets and registering new people for Quit Now.

Tanay tried to strike a conversation again but she would ignore. He wanted to know the girl who quoted Shakespeare and Bukowski but was selling Quit Now services.

Tanay liked Shreya’s presence around even though they didn’t talk. He would stare at her motivating people to quit smoking. He always tried to strike a conversation. She had him at a point where he’d have left the entire world for her.

That day he couldn’t spot Shreya. He tried to enquire around but no one knew the whereabouts.  

Six Months Later

Tanay was browsing Facebook as he saw Shreya’s picture on the Quit Now Page.

The caption read:

“Shreya Chauhan, the beloved volunteer for Quit Now, passed away fighting with Lung Cancer. She dedicated her last times help people quit smoking after she left her lovable job as an Editor for the much acclaimed national magazine, ‘Modern Day Bukowski’. May her soul rest in peace”

Religion & Rape

Rape: A type of sexual assault usually involving sexual intercourse or other forms of sexual penetration carried out against a person without that person's consent. The act may be carried out by physical force, coercion, abuse of authority, or against a person who is incapable of giving valid consent, such as one who is unconscious, incapacitated, has an intellectual disability or is below the legal age of consent.
Above is how Wikipedia describes Rape.
Imagine a household woman, mother of 3, raped.
Now imagine a little girl. 8-years-old little human being. Raped multiple times & hit with a stone twice on the head to make sure the little one is dead.
I hang my head in shame & my fingers shake in fear as I type this in a secure surrounding of a posh building. I dare not to think of what we have come to. To make it worse, it is being given a political & religious angle. Deviating from the very fact that there is a heinous crime committed & we need to act.
India is a nation with the history of communal disturbance. It isn’t new. It goes on & on and most of the people have made peace with it. I do not see a common Hindu in a problematic situation with a Muslim. I do not see a common Muslim family in a problematic situation with a Hindu.
Human relations are based on individuality while the very idea of religion is to group people by a common belief. As time took its course, we forgot that we used to give individuality a priority over the religion. All those fighting over their religions or crying over the false accusations on their religion must know it is not what defines them.
What defines us is how we are to each other as individuals.
The basic ask, as we continue to exist as human beings in Democracy or in Anarchy, is to stop the ones between us going this mile on the horrible road. How it’d have been like to watch that child cry in pain as they raped & killed her. How it’d have slammed humanity in the face as they killed the father of a rape victim begging for justice.
And in the end, how dead & helpless are we as humans.
I was never a firm believer in God & the very idea of religion disgusts me. It’s unscientific & the theory has unanswerable loopholes.
‘’Humans are nothing but a bunch of Animals evolved to the ability to combine different resources on earth to create something new’’. This is it.
They combined literature with existence & God was born.
And they fought over the different versions created to establish the superiority of their version & we ended up in a world like this.

The Fortress

I close all doors for the poisonous dissertations,

 Lay down my thoughts to the rebellious heart.

Fearing an unknown disaster is on its way,

Cleaning the streets of afflatus night & day.

As I surrender the fortitude watching the same dark sky,

Mopping the floor of broken dreams with cold dead eyes.

I hear a voice assuring me what I know nothing of,

Assisting my pliable mind with resilient hopes, hurting with every knock.

With every brick in the fortress of devastated mind,

I block everything that can penetrate slightly inside.

The canons instructed to fire upon & let no foreign thought in,

Guard the mind, as I fake to grin

A fortress this strong with weapons so potent,

I see the canons open fire with no invaders at the end.

The turret turned towards my heart, Obeying the command

As the enemy hid inside, Playing it all along

©Sahai

How I met a SuperHero!

When I was a Kid, My father used to bring sweets the day he got his salary. It’s not that he didn’t bring sweets on other days of the month, but sweets on the first week became an implication of father getting the salary. 
Mine was a normal middle-class family. The home was equipped with everything required for survival less for luxury. That’s how a middle-class family is. We do not buy a Sofa because we liked it, it’s because the previous one has torn out. 
This happened when I was too little to have known what happened. I came back from school and declared I wanted a video game. I had no idea how to play, I haven’t seen video game ever before. A classmate bought a video game and he has been talking about it all day. I wanted it now. 
My mom was a balance of father’s knowledge of our bank account and my little mind’s desires. She was aware of the fact that we can’t afford a video game right now however she also knew how much it meant to me. She knew the scooter needs to visit the mechanic as well. She told my father. It was the first week of the month. I was excited about the video game. Father said he’ll get me one. 
Each day, I waited for my father to get back from work with a packet in his hands. Days went by, Father used to return home with the office files, not a big packet with the console in it. The moment father used to enter the house, I used to take a glance of what he’s carrying and run towards the bedroom and not talk to anyone. This went on for ten days. It was mid-month. I had lost all hopes of the video game by then. Of I knew about our family, nothing expensive was bought in the middle of the month. 
The next morning my Rickshawala didn’t come to pick me up for school. My mother asked father to drop me to school. He started the scooter after facing a lot of trouble. It needed to be repaired. Somehow, father dropped me to school. I came back from school and saw the scooter in our lawn. It was open and the parts were lying here and there. I asked my mom what happened. She told me it broke down and needs a lot of money to be repaired. Father took the bus for office. 
That night, my father returned with a packet of sweets in one hand and my video game on the other. I was surprised. I went and hugged my Dad, and immediately connected the video game. My mom came with the sweets. 
In all the excitement, I forgot what the sweets were for. I thought those must be the ‘Hanuman Ji ka Prasad’, but I realized it wasn’t Tuesday. That’s when it struck me father didn’t bring the salary sweets this month. I went and asked my mom, She told me his salary was delayed due to some official reasons.The first thing he did after getting the salary was he bought the console!
 I went and hugged my Dad. I said nothing, just stuck my face in his chest and laid there for the rest of the time. 
Things are different now. I don’t get to see him much. I’m in a distant city while he’s back home, preserving the family, holding the castle. Of all that I am and I ought to be, I owe it to the man who did it all and said nothing.
Also, He went to the office in a bus for the remaining days that month.

I Killed A Man And Walked Away Free.

Yes! You read it right. I have killed a man and I walked free.I killed a person who was a shadow to me. And worse, I killed him so I could make money .I had known him for as long as I’ve known myself. We were poles apart but close. I remember back in high school, during the annual ceremony, He wanted to recite poetry over the podium but I wanted to be in the organizing committee. I always envied him for the creative soul he was. How he used to write and I could connect with every word written on the piece of paper. He was sorted out from the very beginning. He wanted to travel and write not for the sake of writing but for what he could feel. He used to believe if you didn’t live the page you read, you either didn’t read it right or the author didn’t put it right. He was the cool guy, running a blog, getting writing offers, couldn’t get them done because the college didn’t give him enough time to cook his own fish, but yes, He was cool. I, on the other hand, felt like I'm unborn. I had no goals in life, I had no passion to follow, no dream to chase. I was only diverging in the woods of the chaotic world the road was leading towards. I kept walking like a test motor on the run. My family was worried about me. 
We used to hang out a lot together. We used to fuck up each other’s time that we were supposed to spend studying to pass the semester. We had our first drinks together. I remember how he wanted to go all bonkers after the first two shots and I remember how he told me to stop worrying about the uncertainties of life. He didn’t believe in fate or God. “Life is spontaneous, you know?” he said as he gulped down the fine Tennessee whiskey down the throat,” Life’s just a result of the million possible outcomes for the situation. Just keep on supporting me mate, it’ll get ugly at times and you will have to fight with everyone to keep me going. More importantly you will have to fight yourself for me and promise me you will”. I could never understand what he said. I use to pity him for the ignorant soul he was, how his life would turn out to be miserable for not being able to make good grades, have a job and money. My insecurities about life never bothered him. He always used to dominate over me. He could always convince me.
It was the final semester of college. We shared the same college just like we shared the same school, the same room and everything that could possibly be shared. Right from the very beginning he used to ask me not to worry about him. While everyone else was getting jobs for the academic resume they had, he was left out. I, on the other hand, couldn’t also do any better provided the lethal combination we had. The mutual let’s not study thing shared by us. College was getting over. We had to be settled for the sake of being settled. I got rejected in 4 interviews over a span of just 4 days. I was frustrated. He was sad for me too but I realized it too late. I came into the room and found him waiting for me. I didn’t say much. He could sense the fear of survival and the regret of his presence in my life. He felt guilty. He came to me, hugged me and said,’’ I will never be able to forgive myself for what I did to you, I had no clue I was such a bad impression. All my life, I’ve been with you and I wanted to make you happy. I realize you want me to leave. I realize you want this ignorant soul to leave so you could do that white collar job. I know you can’t afford to support me at this time. But this is when I asked you to fight with yourself for me. Don’t let me go”. I was too pissed off to acknowledge him, I lashed out at him for making my life miserable.
He was broken. Even he had the failures going on in his life. He wasn’t able to put thoughts to paper, His blog was idle for a year. My words were just sufficient for him to walk away. He walked out of the room into the balcony, Lit up his ciggerrete and looked at the sky. He smiled and said those final words.
           “It was when I wanted you to hold me, it was when I wanted you fight with yourself”
And he jumped out. I watched him die right in front of my eyes.
The person who jumped that night was the part of me that believed in following your passion. He was the part of me that was ready to risk few years of his life to live his dream. To travel and to write not for the sake of writing but giving words to feelings. My insecurities killed him.
I killed the writer in me that night to survive.